Although I didn’t realize until recently, duality has been an important concept emphasized throughout the fellowship. It took until an in-class discussion on Ursula La Guin’s “the Left Hand of Darkness” for me to begin to understand the full scope of it. It’s an idea that has shown up everywhere. In social enterprise there is the duality between being a dreamer and being a doer, between the emotional and the logical. Neither side can succeed on its own, but both parts together can produce something incredible. The most vital duality for me was in recognizing the relationship between confidence and doubt. Though I have ultimately gotten to a point where I can balance the two in a healthier way, the beginning of the fellowship was dominated mostly by doubt. The self-doubt began before I was even a fellow. Going beyond simply doubting if it was the right opportunity or if I would even get in, I had a recurring feeling of doubt concerning my abilities. Everyone I interviewed seemed to have some tie to business and every placement option seemed to require some sort of business skill. From my initial interactions with the fellowship, I drilled into my brain that I wasn’t supposed to be there, and sooner or later, everyone else was going to figure it out. Despite Keith consistently telling me it wasn’t a problem, both during the interview as well as multiple times throughout the class, the seeds of doubt had rooted and weren’t ready to let go. Looking back I am able to see that most of this derived from a combination of selective hearing and confirmation bias. I remember distinctly multiple moments throughout the fellowship where I had an overwhelming sense of “I have absolutely no clue what I am doing.” A major source of doubt came from the type of project Jasmyn and I engaged in. Our main deliverable was creating a mental health curriculum. This fit well under Jasmyn’s skill set, but the only concrete knowledge I had came from taking Intro to Psychology freshman year. I felt severely outmatched on the project. As much as I wanted to contribute I had nowhere to begin. There were multiple meetings we had with our advisor that I didn’t say a word because I was just struggling to understand what they were talking about, let alone contribute to the conversation. I felt better able to contribute to the project once we began to create our interview guide for interviewing the beneficiaries and from that, I got a first hit of confidence. This part of the project helped motivate me to try to play a more active role, even if I was uncomfortable. Two of KadAfrica's beneficiaries in their passion fruit gardens. courtesy of Jean-Baptiste Tooley The next major step in our project was receiving our transcripts back from the interviews. Reading the first interview transcript was one of the most pivotal moments in the fellowship for me. Up until that point, we had interacted with very few people from KadAfrica, and hadn’t really experienced the emotional, storytelling side of social enterprise that is so vital. I don’t think I will ever forget what I felt while getting the first glimpse into the lives of these women. They were open in sharing their trauma. They told stories of losing loved ones and being forced to leave their homes. They described their fear of getting sick or injured and not being able to pay for treatment, and their anxiety about their own future and the future of their children. It was absolutely heartbreaking just to read their words typed out on a page. As I write this out, it is not lost on me that this short reflection will never do justice to describing the experiences these women have gone through. I am just trying to demonstrate their resilience and how open they were to share their stories. As I began to process this, I was hit with the realization that now it was our responsibility to use this information and produce a curriculum that could be beneficial. This point was probably the lowest point for my confidence during the fellowship. I simply could not comprehend how I would even begin to tackle this project. How could we possibly address this subject from so far away and little cultural context? How could I, with no relevant skills, make any impact? I was so doubtful that I would be able to do anything in this situation that I wouldn’t even let myself begin to think about any possible solutions or where to start. Luckily this feeling subsided slightly as I began to talk with Jasmyn and Dr. Carroll about the transcripts and about how we would create the curriculum. Though my personal confidence was low, having people to turn to helped remove some of the doubt I had in our project. It was around this time where I first began to reflect on the role that confidence and doubt had played in the fellowship, as well as in other aspects of my life. I initially saw a linear relationship between doubt and confidence. It felt like you begin with doubt and move towards the end goal of confidence. It seemed like a natural progression. I was very uncomfortable when I was constantly doubting myself and began to feel more at ease with confidence. In my mind I was working towards simply eliminating all self-doubt and being totally confident. As the fellowship progressed, I became more mindful of my feelings of doubt and confidence. I began to notice what would bring about feelings of one or the other. I became more aware of how I reacted to both. Most importantly, I started to realize that it wasn’t as much of a progression as a relationship. Having doubt wasn’t the enemy and being fully confident wasn’t the end goal. There was a duality to confidence and doubt. Although they are opposed, they are most beneficial when taken in conjunction. Finding a balance between the two is incredibly important. When either completely dominates the other, you run into problems. When I have allowed myself to be consumed with self-doubt, I was crippled from even taking any steps towards resolving my issue. With only confidence, you become prone to rejecting help from other sources and are more likely to miss out on different perspectives. While alone each side can be detrimental, together they thrive. Being too far on one side or the other, is not a place I want to be. Tiputini Biodiversity Station, Ecuador Ultimately, finding a healthier balance has helped me grow. Before, doubt would lead me to shy away from opportunities. Now, I am better able to analyze where the doubt is coming from and use it to push myself out of my comfort zone. In addition, being mindful of when I feel confident has been vital in recognizing my strengths. This reflection has also helped me become a better team member. Although I’ve never been one to shy away from help, I will more readily seek it out now when I need it. In addition, I am much more assertive and better able to advocate for myself. The past nine months in the fellowship have been a time of major growth and change in my life. I have grown in my understanding of the world and my place in it. I am more in tune with who I am, what brings me joy, and what my strengths are. I went from barely knowing what social entrepreneurship was, to being thrown into it and experiencing it firsthand. While this reflection on confidence and doubt was a small stop on a long journey, it was vital in beginning to process my experience in the fellowship. “Light is the left hand of darkness
and darkness the right hand of light. Two are one, life and death, lying together like lovers in kemmer, like hands joined together, like the end and the way.” -Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness
0 Comments
I’ve always felt that the hardest part about hiking is choosing the trail to take. When I open up the trail guidebook for our local area, I am immediately greeted with over a hundred options. Do I go on a hike I’ve been on and I know will be good? Do I try a new one which claims to have incredible views? Do I challenge myself on a 10 miler with insane elevation gain? Planning my career path often feels very similar. Looking ahead to my future causes me equal parts excitement and dread. Much to the chagrin of my father, I have little concrete plans for where my life will lead following June 11, 2020. This isn’t for a lack of ideas. It seems that every month I develop an entirely new career plan. It’s always been enjoyable to imagine my future on different paths. And while I will be no means planning my entire life, I am confronting a point where I need to decide where I am going to begin my journey. In addition to my problem with overproduction of ideas, I need to develop these ideas past their current state as drawn out daydreams. In this reflection I am going to explore three possible “trailheads” as I emerge from the 9 month trek of GSBF. Hum Lake Trail, Idaho 2017 Grad School The first trailhead is the familiar route. It may be a different hike than I’ve done but I know the area well. I also generally know what to expect and that I’ll have a good time. This career path would start with me attending graduate school. If I go this route, I will be taking a gap year following college to figure out exactly what I want to study in graduate school. At this point, I am most interested in forest fire ecology and invasive species. This path is appealing to me partially because it is familiar, but also because it seems like the natural progression from everything I’ve studied in college. I chose to study ecology because I am incredibly interested in it. Why would I not continue down the path and pursue something in applied sciences? Although I used to think I would enjoy doing science research to be published in journals, I have recently been jaded at that thought. So much of scientific discovery gets stuck in publications where it has little practical importance. I want to engage in a field where I can use my skills and interests to better the planet and the living things that live on it. Built into this plan is at least a full year between graduation and beginning grad school. This gap year will be a time for me to explore different fields within ecology. This will be my time to ‘prepare for the hike’, essentially learning more about the trail so I know I am headed in the right direction. I have been lucky enough to have done work in many fields including marine, intertidal, and tropical forests. But there are also a few more topics I want to get first-hand experience in before I decide which direction I will go in for grad school. My current interests are restoration ecology and forest fire dynamics and I have reached out to professionals who work in both of those fields to gain more information. Despite working on projects that have almost nothing to do with natural science, my experience with GSBF has shaped how I approach ecology. Ecology is the science of how organisms are related to one another and their surroundings, but for a while I still saw the ecology of plants and animals in nature as separate from human society. Through the class and the action research, I am being reminded how connected everything is. From our work with mental health, I have learned that dealing with trauma is a vital step for these women to achieve financial independence. In the class we learned how using the land properly with the correct crops and techniques not only improves a farmers output but also preserves the land. The world is fundamentally connected. Both within our own lives and actions, but also between humans and all other organisms and earth systems. I used to approach ecology and my career in the field with a hard science focus of going out and studying ‘undisturbed’ nature. I now view ecology with a broader lens that includes human society in the equation. Environmental justice and social justice are invariably linked and even when it seems easier to treat them as separate issues, often the most beneficial solutions deal with both in conjunction. Mount Baker Wilderness, Washington 2020 Abroad The second trailhead takes me much farther from home, physically and in terms of comfort level. I don’t even know where this trailhead is. Choosing where to begin would be like being blindfolded and throwing a dart at a spinning globe. I have gone abroad a few times, the longest by far being studying abroad, but that is entirely different from what it would be like working abroad. When I was studying abroad, even though I got a significant amount of culture shock, at the end of the day I was taking classes in English, surrounded by people from the US, and knew exactly when I was returning home. If I were to take a job abroad, either with an SE or teaching English, something else entirely, I wouldn’t have these comforts. Naturally, part of me repels from this discomfort. I tell myself I could find just as fulfilling of work right here at home. I could do something that interests me and that has an impact without leaving my bubble. But another, probably larger part of me, revels at the possibility of going to any number of places to do any number of jobs. This past year of my life has vastly expanded my worldview. Studying abroad is an obvious reason for this, but even that has its limitations as I still had many of the comforts of home. GSBF has expanded my perspective in an entirely different way. While I could probably go on for a long time about different things I learn through the fellowship, it all can be boiled down to the fact that there is an entire world outside of my bubble of comfort. That truly is an obvious fact; I have been studying world history and geography essentially since I began school and there is a constant stream of news and media influence coming from outside the United States. I have been to several different countries and experienced their culture, but it is also very temporary. Even though I never left the US during this fellowship, I realized that I’m not confined to simply visiting other countries. I can participate in a value exchange and make meaningful contributions. Although it’s a cliché, “the world is your oyster” is finally beginning to resonate with me. This ‘trailhead’ is definitely the most vaguely described—a lot of that is due to having countless options. That being said, I still am able to identify where I may be able to exercise core talents. My ability to deal with ambiguity and deal with change will be very useful if I decide to live abroad. Although I don’t think I have tested it to the limits, the fellowship and other experiences have helped me to realize that I have a high tolerance for rolling with the punches. It’s fair to assume that most places I would choose to live abroad would be vastly different from what I am used to in terms of culture, language, or how businesses operate. In addition, if I choose to go the route of social enterprise, ambiguity and changing plans is an inherent aspect of the work. Meeting with people who can give me guidance and direction in working abroad is going to be vital in order for this to be a viable option. If I wanted to hike in a place completely new to me, I would need to ask people who know what they’re doing for guidance if I want to actually get anywhere. If I went in blind, I would probably get lost and dejected and return home confused at what happened. Spencer has been and will continue to be a great resource for this, due to his international connections to social enterprises. Hopefully, the connections I gain through him can compound into a wider network. In addition, I will need to do research on my own to narrow down, or at least clarify the first steps I would take to begin this journey. Hard Butte Lake Trail, Idaho 2020 Private Sector Consulting
My third trailhead is one that I always knew was there but never gave any consideration to until recently. This would be a trail that I know is popular and that people enjoy, but I didn’t think it was for me. I didn’t think it would play to my strengths or my interests, so I pushed it aside as an option. It took learning more and a change in my perspective to understand that it is a trail I could actually benefit from taking. I realized that I don’t need to stay on it permanently; I have the ability to jump from trail to trail, or even just wander in the forest for a while! This final trailhead I’m alluding to is environmental consulting. I shunned pretty much everything in the private sector for as long as I have been seriously considering a career. I generalized it as corporations just in it for the money, exploiting human and natural resources. I didn’t feel like I wanted to be a part of that at any level. Even ignoring the existence of social enterprises, this is a gross oversimplification of an incredibly diverse field. As I have conducted more informational interviews with people who are currently in a wide variety of careers, I’ve often seen a similar thread. Many of the professionals had worked a part of their career in consulting. They also described it in almost an identical way. They said it was a great job when they were younger, as you’re able to make fairly good money and get internally promoted generally pretty quickly. They also described the work as constantly changing and providing new experiences. They were able to work with a wide variety of projects and develop a diverse skill set. When asked why they ultimately left, it was for some of the same reasons why they initially enjoyed it. The ambiguity of it no longer fit in their life plan and they were looking for something with more stability. Hearing this from these professionals was invaluable. Their experiences helped substantiate the lesson on careers that Stephen led in the Fall. He emphasized how often people are able to change their jobs and entire careers within their working life. The informational interviews helped me develop my understanding of why this happens. It was obvious that some careers are more attractive depending on where you are in your life, but I wasn’t sure where this would fit into my life. I eventually came to the realization that different careers and jobs can serve different functional purposes in my vocation as a whole. Perhaps I want to end up in a position where I am able to make social change, but consulting could be a steppingstone where I can gain vital skills and experience to prepare me for my future plans. Consulting would play to my strength of problem solving. It is often necessary to fully understand a problem, so you are able to resolve the underlying issues instead of simply treating the symptoms. For consulting, that’s the name of the game. People pay you to understand and solve their problems, often looking from a different perspective to find creative solutions. Doing exactly this has been one of the most enjoyable experiences in the fellowship. I wouldn’t have said this a year ago, but being able to transition that into a career would be something I value In many ways, this has been a phrase that I live my life by. It was something that I learned indirectly, at least at first. I attribute this entirely to the people who raised me. My mom was a counselor prior to having my older sisters. Whenever I was upset she was always able to fully understand the root cause in order to console me. The easier option would have been to set me in front of the TV or give me a snack to distract me from my problems. One particular instance always comes to mind, a story that has been repeated more times than I can count. One of my favorite TV shows growing up was Zoboomafoo, a half cartoon half live action show about a lemur and his caretakers. At one point, the scheduling changed. I was both upset that I wasn’t able to watch the show and worried about what happened to Zoboomafoo. An easy solution would have been to simply find another show or record reruns, but that wasn’t what my mom did. Instead, she took the effort to take my sisters and me to the zoo, take us to the lemur exhibit, and let me see for myself that “Zoboomafoo” was alright. Her ability to find creative solutions that get to the root of the problem, no matter how trivial, was influential. Not only did this experience help fuel my passion for animals and nature, but it experiences like this that fed my curiosity. The expression “solve the problem, don’t just treat the symptoms” has come up more times than I can count, in a variety of life experiences. While I worked for my uncle in his dental office, he would continually talk about how you can clean someone’s teeth, give them fillings, crowns, or veneers, but that is not going to change anything permanently. The patient needs to develop better cleaning habits or change their diet for the problem to actually be resolved. The same thing lesson was learned for fixing things around the house with my dad. Ignoring something that is broken or giving it a surface level patch up job is almost always going to result in a worse problem long-term. Even something as simple as knowing his handyman limits and when to call a plumber, my dad emphasized that it’s good to play to your strengths and ask for help. Even if I didn’t recognize it at the time, each interaction has had an impact on me by influencing how I carry myself as a person and how I respond to any given situation. Growing up in a conservative state like Nebraska, global environmental issues were not at the forefront of conversation. I credit my mom for living an environmentally conscious, because without her influence I would have been even more blind to the situation than I was. It wasn’t so bad that everyone was openly denying climate change (though there was a subset of the population that was), rather that it was never treated with any urgency or given any sort of scale. To put it another way, more people in my graduating high school class went on to study petroleum engineering than environmental science. I didn’t even originally choose an ENVS major. I chose biology due to my love of animals and being outside. It wasn’t until I had my eyes opened to the scope of the global environmental crisis that I realized what was important to me. For far too long, we have treated only the symptoms of our environmental problems. Crop yields going down due to increased temperatures, decreased rainfall and soil degradation? Mow down more forests and pump your crops full of fertilizer! Sea level rise and increased flooding? Just build higher levees! Just like the 4th layer of duct tape on that leaky pipe, it might work for now, but its eventually going to fail and cause way more damage than it would have if you fixed in right the first time. Though I knew I wanted to make an impact in something relating to environmental issues, like most I doubted myself, worrying I didn’t have what it takes or that I couldn’t make an impact on my own. Last summer, I worked with a professor on campus as well as another research assistant. In addition to helping with our professor with research, she asked us to develop our own project. Ultimately, we decided that we wanted to determine the relationship between sea stars recovery and mussel community characteristics in the California intertidal zone. After spending all spring planning and the summer collecting and synthesizing data, we presented our results. I initially looked back at this and felt that the final deliverable, a poster representing a summers worth of work, was what I was most proud of. Now I am realizing that it was the confidence I gained from the experience. That summer helped me to grow as a scientist, and established that I won’t be able to accomplish anything alone, but rather, I can always rely on the strengths and expertise of others to complement my own. I find pride in knowing that even if I. don’t know, but I always have room to learn. All of my life experience, in conjunction, has led me to this fellowship. I have always had an interest in service work. Through my church and schools, I volunteered at food pantries, with local indigenous groups, and in high school went to a village in rural Mexico. Most recently, I traveled to Panama on a medical brigade with Santa Clara Students. Before I knew much about the Global Social Benefit Fellowship or the Miller Center, my initial interest was related to volunteering abroad. The more I learn about the fellowship and the Miller Center, I realize that it is different in a lot of the ways to my past service work. In the past, I had been working to treat symptoms. Now, I want to do my part in addressing the problem. The action based research model and work with social enterprises does just that. I want to be able to use my problem solving skills, my passion for conservation, and what I have learned from past service work to aid a social enterprise in enacting their mission. The entrepreneurs, Miller Center, investors, and student fellows have and continue to use market activity to influence social change.
|
AuthorSanta Clara University '21 |